How to talk with people you love and disagree with.

They are called loved-ones for a reason.  You love them.  You benefit from a connection with them.  And they need a connection with you.  But….there’s an issue. 

Perhaps it’s a family problem, a political position, or a religious difference.  The relationship with your loved-one is complicated when we can’t get on the same page.  The complication grows if the issue is very important to us. 

The question is…

How Do We Overcome it?

Remember that we need them.

We are hyper-social beings. Virtually every marker of health increases when we are more socially connected. It can be tempting to cut people out of our lives when we have difficulties in our relationships. However, limit our life to people we agree with, life becomes small.

Focus on common ground.

Most people want about the same things. We want to live a happy life. We want to be successful at what we do. We want to raise a healthy family and feel like we are part of our communities. If you listed the top 100 goals in your life, and your loved-one did that same, you would likely have 80% of the same goals. Don’t forget, you are more alike than you are different.

Reinforce your relationship.

You may have not seen this person in months or even longer. A lot of things can happen in that time. Before hot topics are discussed, make sure your relationship is a strong as it was the last time you were together. One easy tip is to say, out loud, the positive thoughts you have about this person. “It’s great to see you”, “I was glad you were going to be here”, “I wanted to make sure to talk to you about your new (baby/job/vacation)”, etc.

Listen first.

With long term disagreements is can be easy to respond to things that aren’t being said. Maybe you just watched some news footage on the issue and are ready to argue your side of the issue. By listening first, you can save some embarrassment and damaging miscommunication. Listen to what they are actually saying. Try to see the issue from their point of view. What are they feeling? What are their fears?

Time for a choice.

You don’t have to discuss the hot-button issue at all. You can choose to bring the focus back to the many, many things you agree on. Ask them, “what’s the biggest issue at your job right now?”, “what are you looking forward to next?”, “who’s the toughest person in your family to buy for?” These are all easy questions to bring you back to common ground.

Increase understanding.

If you decide to ‘go there’, resist the urge to win or be right. Instead focus on understanding first and then communicating. Ask open ended questions. “What makes this so important to you?”, “How do you think this issue impacts your family?” When it’s your turn to talk, help them understand your thoughts and feelings. State your point of view and share why it is personally important to you. When you feel like you have fully communicated your point, move on. You can always go back to common ground topics.

In case of an emergency, don’t panic.

You can use the old standard, “I guess we will have to agree to disagree.” Or something similar. Make sure you follow it up with something that tells them how important they are to you. Something like, “that’s what I like about you, we can disagree and still be good friends.”

But what if…

There are times in life when people show us that they are unhealthy for us. In extreme cases we call these relationships “toxic”. As a relationship therapist, I focus on helping clients build the skills that need manage difficult relationships. We work on knowing when a relationship is healthy, unhealthy, or toxic. We also build the skills need to protect ourselves emotionally so we can enjoy a healthy and fulfilling social life. If you could use help with your relationship, please reach out. Request a free 10-minute consultation.